Friday, August 29, 2003

When the boys come out to play, Bill O'Reilly runs away.

Bill O'Reilly was bitching about the internet again tonight, saying at one point that he was just tired of people picking on him. Shouldn't there be some limits? he practically moaned.

Apparently, Pittsburgh columnist Tony Norman was right when he guessed that O'Reilly is probably "vain enough to read every word ever written about him." Let's hope so, cause I've got something to say to him.

It seems that O'Reilly hates it when he invites people on to the show and they don't come -- even if that person just happened to be out of town for a few days. I've mentioned it before, but it's worth mention again that O'Reilly once called Michael Kinsley a coward for not showing up. Kinsley was on vacation. He also mentioned last night that, shucks, people, he invites Democrats on his show all the time, but a lot of them just won't show up. As Conason has said, O'Reilly refuses to meet with him in any venue. Also, I'll bet Al Franken would love to go on the show (and deliver a nice fruitbasket as thanks for all the free publicity).

But those are the big boys and, well, knowing little Bill the way we do, we know he's not up to that kind of a challenge. Odd, because the thing that seems to bother O'Reilly about us internet types is that we attack semi-anonymously and, he seems to say, there's just nothing you can do about people who "hide behind the First Amendment."

Therefore, I volunteer to appear on Bill O'Reilly's show. I will gladly represent the bloggers who have been "attacking" him "viciously" on the internet, as I have repeatedly called him a serial liar, a pinhead and maybe some other things in the numerous posts I've written about what a jackass he is.

(In fact, let me pause to say again here: Bill O'Reilly is a serial liar.)

Come on, Bill, look at me. I'm fresh meat. I've never been on national television and maybe I would find your studio so bright and frightening that you could just have your verbal way with me. You could call me names and, as bullies who can't stand alone do, could scream for your buddies to cut my mike if you start to look bad. I'm nobody. Just a little speck who called the "rich and powerful" O'Reilly names. I wear little, thin-framed glasses that your audience would just see as oh-so-liberal-and-nerdy. I don't even have a book coming out, so I can't benefit from the exposure in any way -- in fact, being a Kansas boy, an appearance on your show would probably lead to busted windows and nasty phone calls. I'm the perfect target. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Hell, Bill, maybe I'm a little scary still. I really did grow up in a blue-collar household. My dad was a welder and all the Welch boys served in the military (starting with an ancestor who fought in the War for Independence, alongside Washington, right up in your neck of the woods). Maybe I'm too threatening, even when you have the advantage of controlling the environment. So here's what I'll do: I'll just point others who are willing to represent the wicked denizens of blogtopia in your direction. I'll ask them to send you an e-mail with the subject "O'Reilly: I Volunteer to Appear." It'll be up to them as to what they'll say and, who knows, maybe you'll pick a stupid one and get to look like a hero of the people.

The thing is, O'Reilly, you bitch about us attacking you, so let us explain ourselves. If you don't, you're the worst kind of man: A powerful coward.

Update:Tom's in. And Barney's in. And Chris's in.


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