Thursday, September 25, 2003

Welcome to "Talk Like Bill O'Reilly Day"

The problem with you guys on the left, you know on the far left, not the moderates like Joe Lieberman, and Zell Miller, but, you know the real vile idiots like Hillary Clinton, Al Franken and this guy Atrios, um, the problem with you guys is you are just following an ideology. What we try to do on this show, instead, is to follow the directions that are given directly to President Bush and myself by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who meets us every Thursday night after midnight in East Potomac Park and gives us his plan for the week, written in code with ketchup on a Burger King Chicken Whopper wrapper. But, because your ideology won't allow you to read these signs, you on the left are never going to understand why we must build a mile high fence along our Mexican border that's topped with broken glass and the skulls of Guantanamo detainees and the car keys of people who want to remove God from the public sphere completely by outlawing the placement of gigantic statues of Jesus kicking a Muslim in the groin in public bathrooms. It's also why rap singers are terrible role models. Tell me how that could be wrong. I'll give you the last word.

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: The little people who think that they can take on the "rich and powerful" O'Reilly are going down. It's a matter of honor that I have our lawyers (who, because they're lawyers I hate) savage these people in the courts. That goes double the pinhead who thinks software can imitate yours truly. That would just be ridiculous.


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