Monday, February 12, 2007

Tomorrow's messages today

A highlight of voicemail messages Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Marine General Peter Pace, will receive tomorrow:
*beep*

Hey, General, John Hannah from the VeePee's office. I, uh, caught the quote you gave Voice of America, buddy, and, I gotta say, I wish you would have called us first. We're trying to kick something off here and you're kind of making it harder when you, um, don't, uh, go along with the program. Now, I'm not sayin' we gotta slam-dunk or anything, heh heh, but, um, we did do a PowerPoint...So, anyway, give me a ring when you get this message. Thanks.

*beep*

Pete, it's John Hannah again. I still haven't heard back from you and I'm wondering what's up. I, uh, hope you're not listening to people suggesting the numbers don't add up, 'cause, um, 'cause we checked 'em twice and, you know, we--God, I hate these machines (nervous giggle), everything comes out wrong. AAAaaaanyhoo, I'd like to talk to you as soon as possible. Please, uh, call me when you can.

*beep*

General Pace. This is John Hannah and I would appreciate it if you would CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!

*beep*

Whoa. Damn, I'm sorry, Pete. I think I may have come off a little...ah, brusque in that last message. Didn't mean to. Like I said, I'm not, uh, not real good with machines. Or mail. Um, you know, voicemail, I mean. Though you probably knew I meant that. Uh, so, we've got some things we're trying to get done and I'd like to speak with you. Give me a call.

*beep*

Hey, motherfucker! I heard you were talking to Olbermann. If you screw-up our plans in Iran, I'll have your stars you son-of-a-bitch! JUST DRINK THE GODDAM KOOL-AID! DRINK IT! DRIIIIINK IIIIIT!

(Sound of huffing and puffing from exertion and then the voice returns, but quietly, away from the mouthpiece.)

Aw, shit...Hey, Lucy, do you know how to delete a voicemail? Huh? Luce? Come in here...I messed up and I gotta delete this--

*beep*
Damn generals, always straying from the script.

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