Friday, June 11, 2010

The Ghost Writer 2: The Beck-ening

Isn't it weird to think it took two people to make Glenn Beck's book staggeringly awful? Here's a scene from my script about its creation:
Beck ghostwriter KEVIN BALFE sits busily typing away at his computer. He's disheveled and it appears he's been weeping. A stack of catalogs from master's degree programs are piled sloppily beside him. BALFE quits typing, sits back and pulls a bottle of Southern Comfort from a drawer in his desk. He takes a swig as we hear footsteps in the hall. He hastily hides the bottle in the drawer again as GLENN BECK comes to the door. Beck is in shirt sleeves with his top collar button undone, his tie loose. He's carrying a hoagie sandwich and a half-empty 2-liter bottle of Orange Crush.

BECK

Hey, "co-writer." How's the book coming along?

BALFE

Uh...great, Glenn. It's coming along great. Your latest ideas were...(there's a strange hiccuping noise in his throat)...they were just the best yet.

BECK

(Talking around a bite of his sandwich.) Yeah, I knew they would be. I had a dream and God told me that would be great to put in the book.

BALFE

God told you to have the villains create a detailed PowerPoint of their plan for the protagonists to find?

BECK

Um...(Barely paying attention, he nudges one of the college catalogs with his foot and frowns.) Yeah, yeah, of course. We have a third co-writer. It's God. He wants this book to be awesome.

BALFE

(Looking a bit stunned.) Uh, OK.

BECK

(His attention returning to the conversation.) Oh, so I came here to tell you that, after Noah and Mary--

BALFE

Molly.

BECK

Huh?

BALFE

The female protagonist is named Molly.

BECK

Right. OK. Whatever. (Beat.) Anyway, after Noah and Molly kiss for the first time, I'd like them to talk about the flat tax.

BALFE

The flat tax?

BECK

Yeah. I want to get it in there somewhere and that's where I think it would be best.

BALFE simply stares at BECK for a few seconds. Finally, BECK leans over the desk until his face is a foot away from BALFE's.

BECK

(His voice is a cold whisper.) Kevin, that's where God wants that discussion to go.

BALFE

OK, Glenn. Sure. Sure. It's great. Really. You're the writer, after all.

BECK

That's right. So have him say he thinks our country needs spending cuts and we need to get the tax code down to a few short statements.

BALFE

Short statements? You mean, uh, like bullet points?

BECK

Yeah! You got it. (He takes a big swig of soda.) That's it!

BECK stands silently for a few seconds, a satisfied smile on his face. BALFE's eyes roam to a clipped article taped over a picture of his smiling family. The headline reads: "Publishers Expect Beck Novel Will Be Bestseller." He sniffs, seems to rally himself and then smiles up at BECK.

BALFE

Well, I should--

BECK

Yeah, write, write. Don't let me stop you. That's enough for me today anyway. I'll catch you later. Give me a call when you've got another 20 pages for my agent to read, OK?

BALFE

Sure, Glenn. Will do.

BECK

I'm gone, then.

BECK leaves the room, taking another large bite from his sandwich. After a few seconds, BALFE slumps forward in his chair, sobbing.
You think I'm kidding (and I am), but Balfe sure seems eager to give Beck all the credit, pointing out the ideas are "right out of (Beck's) brain." He also seems pretty happy for a writer whose name appears nowhere on the cover of the book. Then again, since Balfe's actually an accountant by training, I'm sure he knows what's really important.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great STUFF!!!! LOL!!!

1:34 PM  
Blogger Inspector13 said...

that was far better written than anything beck and is ghost could have come up with.
actually it was better written than anything any of those right wing hacks have written.

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the part about the hoagie. It was so realistic, it's creepy.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome. Love the "Mary" touch. :D

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A "flat-tax" dialogue after a sex scene?...No doubt, it's meant to be symbolic of Molly's measurements.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Saint Brian the Godless said...

Well done, sir.

Okay, you're not going to believe me here, but my confirmation word is "dongstic." Seriously.

Don't tease the dongstic...

5:38 PM  
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No doubt, it's meant to be symbolic of Molly's measurements.

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